But I think it's more than that. I think as unsettled as life feels right now, it's because I'm slowly settling. I was talking to Chris the other day and I mentioned I'm going home (to the Valley) in a few weeks. First time since New Year's. He sort of laughed, shook his head and said "I am home." It took me a minute before I realized he was talking about Portland. "This is my home now," he said. I tried to double back and explain to him that, while I do live in Portland now, and yeah, I guess it is my home, but the Valley will always be home, since that's where my parents are, that's where my friends and I will go back to, but then I stopped. For two reasons.
The first being, I'm pretty certain there is something about the Rogue Valley that sets it apart from anywhere else. Now I'm sure others will say the same thing about what ever place in the world they are from, but I've actually had people comment to me about the fact that people from the Valley seem to have an incredible ability to maintain connectivity to one another. there's something about that little part of Oregon that's just a little more special than others. So I will probably always refer to the Valley as "home," even when I'm gone and settled God-knows-where.
The second reason was this: I was completely caught off-guard by how definite he sounded when he said Portland was his home. I most certainly do not feel that way right now. Nor do I want to. I realized, as he said that to me, I'm not done. I'm far from it. Yes, I want to eventually be settled, but now? Dear God, no. There's way too much I haven't seen yet. I don't even know what I still want to see, but I know that I don't want to only see it from the streets of Portland.
See, I think part of why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling is because I'm so damn comfortable here. I don't have to work for anything. My life has become such a routine, and any given night I can find one of my good friends available to go do something. Which isn't to say that I don't like having my friends; I love them. They're part of what makes my life incredible. But.--I don't even know how to articulate my thoughts from here.
Bottom line is this: I'm gonna have to get out. I don't want to jinx myself by saying things that will never happen, I'll do it now anyway. I'm toying with an idea. This idea includes Washington D.C. It could be what I need. Hell, it might not be what I need, but I won't know that until I'm free of here for awhile. No time soon, probably end of the year at the earliest.
But God, I can't handle this. This "settling" I'm feeling is more like the dirt settling down around me and trapping me where I'm at.
always.....
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