Hi. I am now 31, almost 32.
To catch you up:
I now work for an independent radio station. It's new. It's a lot of work. I don't really get paid. I like it. At this point, if this doesn't lead anywhere for me, I'm out of ideas on what to do with my life.
My social life is pretty superficial overall. I am getting to meet a lot of the movers and shakers around town now. I go to a lot of things. Everyone I see regularly knows pretty minimal things about me, and its mostly the self-deprecating things I say about myself and my life to make people laugh. Its a horrible trap I continue to get myself into due to desperation for positive social interaction. I think most people I encounter regularly think favorably of me overall, but I honestly don't fucking know anymore.
I have been dating up a storm in the last few years. Nothing sticks. I feel autistic. Or something. When did shit get so complicated? In the adult dating world, in the "young" creative person dating world of Portland, I have a few strikes against me from the get go. I am on the lower rungs on the physical attractiveness-scale. I make barely any money. I am not talented at anything at all. The two things that have always gotten me around those obstacles were always my sense of humor and my outwardly fragile interior. What I am discovering is demonstrating my insides now only leads to drunk mistakes and flexing my humor muscle leads to a few dates until the one where I feel comfortable enough to not be funny the whole damn time and then I suddenly never hear back and without any explanation. Shit is always going great until I stop being funny for a sec.
There are a lot of people that reach out for support on things they are doing. Projects, endeavors, performances, achievements, birthdays, get-togethers, etc. I see supporting these things as a part of what friendship is to human beings. I like participating in this.
There are anonymous women sending me naked pictures of themselves through snapchat. There are women that want to just fuck and be done with it. There are women who want me to entertain them through social media and text. There are women who like to laugh while they are drunk and want/need attention. This all can be fun too.
But I think I am done with it all now. I'm tired. I can no longer be someones interim entertainment until something better comes along. I can no longer be another body in a room to help reinforce someone's social status. I can no longer be the one to cross town every single time if I want to hang out because no one is willing to make a trip every once in awhile an extra mile out of their way. I'm tired of walking home at 4 in the morning by myself. I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of being a good sport. Because now all of that is just expected of me.
The big favor I did for myself when I was trying to overcome my depression was throw away the expectation that anyone would understand. The big favor I am doing for myself in trying to get over loneliness is getting rid of all expectations for other people. I am tired of feeling weird. I am tired of feeling crazy. I am tired of feeling out of place. I'm tired of feeling like everyone is doing me a favor. I'm tired of being made to feel desirable while there are drinks around and then when hangover/sobriety hits I'm an awkward mistake.
Call it winter hibernation or whatever you want, but my appearances will be rare from here on out. I'm going to focus on creating a life of doing things that make me happy. And only me. Maybe I should just move into a cabin in the woods and stop fucking around. Maybe I should start writing my australian ex-girlfriend more emails she won't answer. Maybe I should stop smiling. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I should settle for the one who loves me. Maybe I should stop whining. Maybe I should get a haircut. Maybe I should tone down my personality. Maybe I should tone UP my personality. Maybe I should drink less. Maybe I should drink more. Maybe I need to focus on being creative again. Maybe I need to play more video games. Maybe I just need to work all of the time. Maybe I should go get another tattoo right now. Maybe I should try to make another mix. Maybe I should start running my website again. Maybe I should learn something new. Maybe I should only work and workout and prepare healthy meals and sleep every day. Maybe I should go see more movies by myself. Maybe I should start working on losing my empathy. Maybe I should just read more and get better rest. Maybe I should never go on the internet again. Maybe I should watch more porn. Maybe I should watch less porn. Maybe I should make some music. Maybe I should see some music. Maybe I should see if I can meet some new people. Oh wait, fuck.
I am high on cocaine in this mirror selfie. Exciting stuff.