He ended it two weeks ago today, actually. It wasn't fun. It was a week of him needing time to think. Two very long conversations, both of which ended in a lot of tears and frustration, and ultimately him deciding that he loves me but isn't in love with me. That spark is gone for him and he doesn't know if it will come back.
No fun. Not fun at all. But at least it ended in such a way that I knew I at least still had his friendship, that a lot of the fun we had together could still be had. It was a long week and a half, but after dance on Wednesday I was feeling really good. I've started spending a lot of time with Selena, my dance teacher, and she really just makes life fun. She also makes me do a lot more dancing, and while it definitely stretches my budget adding extra classes each week, ultimately it's been good for me.
We get ourselves into plenty of trouble.
Saturday I decided to take a break from going out, sack out at the boys' house and watch movies. He mentioned there was something he needed to talk about, and I made him head downstairs before the movie started so we could get it out of the way.
I'm sure you can deduce what that conversation was in regards to. I didn't just listen and then walk away. We had it out. Mostly me raging, and him trying as hard as possible to convince me he was sorry.
I spent the rest of weekend just hating him. Really hating him. But by the time I went to bed last night I just couldn't do it anymore. I just don't have it in me to hate him. I hate the way it feels to hate someone; it just eats away at me non-stop. By all accounts, I have every right to hate him. But it's just too exhausting. I hate that I can't even hate him. But I don't hate him. And I can't hate him.
I don't know how long it'll be before I can just be around him and be ok. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him as a close friend. Ultimately, that's the worst part; knowing that a great friendship is gone.
It's just one more of those learning things, I guess. I'm not sure what I'm learning from this. But I'll chalk it up to experience, I suppose. Not much else I can do. Crying can only last so long before it becomes pathetic. I'm not gonna let him make me pathetic.
always.....
Jeff Buckley's 'Sketches For My Sweetheart The Drunk' (Disc I) was my refuge. Maybe it's just me, but that album is just so... sad.
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