The girl came up on Friday. I had finally decided to bite the bullet and purchase a car, so Saturday morning, we peeled ourselves out of bed and drove the TV highway strip. We used drive-buy eyes, but I had looked online and found a viable option.

Now, call me a wiener, but I new exactly what I wanted -- a Jetta IV. I drove a Jetta 1.8T about six months ago, and more than the performance, I really just enjoyed how fucking comfortable and slick it was.

Now, being a first time buyer, I don't really know how to gauge the quality of a dealership. That, coupled with the fact that I didn't want to be fucked over, I was pretty judgmental. Plus, I like to think that I have a keen sense of reading people. The first place we stopped was a little run down and as we pulled in, we saw, literally, a gang of salesmen start towards the car. We flipped a bitch and parked behind the building, hoping to avoid the swarm.

The moment we set foot on the lot, someone was on us. 'Jerry' greeted us, gave me a limp handshake and asked what I was looking for. I was looking, mind you, but I was particular. I didn't want to spill the beans just yet. Now Jerry, he didn't really look up to snuff. The first thing I noticed were his busted, scuffed up shoes -- keep in mind where I work; looking at shoes is a force of habit. He's middle aged, greying, slightly unkempt. His skin has that slightly-greasy-looking wrinkled-leather that reminds me of a weather-harshed old-man. His glasses kept fogging up.

I told him what I was looking for and we walked the entire length of the lot, only to find that there were no VWs in the area. He looked flustered. "I knew they were just here" he said, following it in a much more quiet voice, saying "we move them around a lot." We walked back to whence we came and started walking in the other direction. We find one, but it's blue. No-go in my book.

I start to bid Jerry farewell and he lets go rather easily, I'm surprised to find out. As Kim and I walk back to the car, he runs up to us -- "Give me one more shot" he says. "Just one more shot. Let's drive out to the other lot and see what we have there." I declined and he looked hurt. It almost felt bad.

What if, somewhere, there really was a car salesman who had a gimmick of selling cars to people by acting so utterly pathetic that these people felt bad for NOT buying from such a pathetic salesman? Who knows. It could happen.

We hit up the second lot of the day, on a whim. We walk right up and start looking at cars. We don't get ambushed. Within minutes, I have my eye on a Silver 2003 2.0L 5 speed, which fits my requirements. I find a sales guy, he draws up the paperwork to get me some numbers. Within an hour, I had driven it and made an offer. I got a 'special' discount for working where I do. Neat.

And that's that. I have a nice ride now. The heated seats keep my ass / junk area nice and warm. I feel so fancy.

non 12-minute-photoshop-edit picture of the car.

01/29/07 EDIT:

I wrote this entry early last week, but my 'finalizing' of the post got sidetracked by work, having Corey play with my Wii (ha) and a lighting trip down the valley with Jeryl.

But yes, I drove the new ride down to Southern Oregon for a visit with the lady (on her home turf) and the parents. I had a smashing good time. I spent the majority of Saturday figuring out how to install an aftermarket amp and sub into the car. One I figured out the configuration of the stock system (it came with 'premuim sound'), I tore into that bitch. I'm so used to pickups and SUVs with room to spare, but this thing is built like a goddamn jigsaw puzzle. I had to tear up the center console just to run wires to the trunk. Yeow. Sounds much better now. So good, in fact, that I will now be listening to nothing but 'acid house' and 'trance' in my car. Oh, and MJ's Thriller too. I forgot about that.

Kim and I went to see 'Children of Men' -- I can't really say much, but that movie was superb. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. Kim clutched me. It is shot really beautifully as well. Just go see it -- you won't be sorry.

That's about all for now. Peace be unto you. Or something.

Oh little girl, as you sit there in your pain
tears running down your face.

you gasp for air, the sobs shaking your little frame.

it's all too much; some days, it's just all too much.


oh little girl, just let it go.
close the world out, close the hurt out,
wrap your arms around yourself and just let it out.

the pain and the fear and the anger and the frustration

cry it all out, let the tears carry it out,
down your cheeks, to fall on the ground and disappear in the dirt.

oh little girl, if only they could see.
these fun and games they take their toll
and you can hold your head up and force that smile
day in and day out

but eventually it's all too much; it's just all too much.

oh little girl, as you hang from that rope,
just hoping that it will all stop,
that you can leave it all behind and no longer feel the pain,


oh little girl, just know that there is another day,
that this can eventually all fade away.
that you can once again laugh
and you can once again know what it is like to enjoy life.

oh little girl, just lift up your head.
let the sun shine on your tear-stained cheeks,
and know that warmth and that light.

oh little girl, don't give up now.
come down from that rope, put your feet back on the ground.
look around, beyond them, and see the rest of the world.

see me, and know that i have felt that same pain
tears run down my face

gasps for air, sobs shaking my frame.

i know--it's too much; some days, it's just all too much.

Do I need to do any explaining? Doubtful.

He ended it two weeks ago today, actually. It wasn't fun. It was a week of him needing time to think. Two very long conversations, both of which ended in a lot of tears and frustration, and ultimately him deciding that he loves me but isn't in love with me. That spark is gone for him and he doesn't know if it will come back.

No fun. Not fun at all. But at least it ended in such a way that I knew I at least still had his friendship, that a lot of the fun we had together could still be had. It was a long week and a half, but after dance on Wednesday I was feeling really good. I've started spending a lot of time with Selena, my dance teacher, and she really just makes life fun. She also makes me do a lot more dancing, and while it definitely stretches my budget adding extra classes each week, ultimately it's been good for me.

We get ourselves into plenty of trouble.

Saturday I decided to take a break from going out, sack out at the boys' house and watch movies. He mentioned there was something he needed to talk about, and I made him head downstairs before the movie started so we could get it out of the way.

I'm sure you can deduce what that conversation was in regards to. I didn't just listen and then walk away. We had it out. Mostly me raging, and him trying as hard as possible to convince me he was sorry.

I spent the rest of weekend just hating him. Really hating him. But by the time I went to bed last night I just couldn't do it anymore. I just don't have it in me to hate him. I hate the way it feels to hate someone; it just eats away at me non-stop. By all accounts, I have every right to hate him. But it's just too exhausting. I hate that I can't even hate him. But I don't hate him. And I can't hate him.

I don't know how long it'll be before I can just be around him and be ok. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him as a close friend. Ultimately, that's the worst part; knowing that a great friendship is gone.

It's just one more of those learning things, I guess. I'm not sure what I'm learning from this. But I'll chalk it up to experience, I suppose. Not much else I can do. Crying can only last so long before it becomes pathetic. I'm not gonna let him make me pathetic.


always.....

Did you enjoy it? Were the two of you good together? Did you say her name, whisper into her neck as you held her close?

Was it rushed, sloppy, animalistic? Or did you go slow, take the time to find out what she likes, how she likes to be taken?

You weren't making love. There was no love in it.

The only love you were lucky enough to have is not there anymore. It died with you and her, when you disregarded us.

Did you even think about me? Did you bother to think about how I would feel?

Go ahead and tell me you were unhappy. Go ahead and tell me she was unhappy. And you two were both there, at the same time, and it just happened. Go ahead and tell me all those things. But I would have dropped everything for you to do whatever it took to make you happy.

Don't say I'm overreacting. Don't say I'm being irrational. You don't get to talk now. You don't get to defend yourself. You lost that right when you betrayed me.

I never said "promise you'll never fall out of love with me."
I never said "promise we'll be together forever."
I'm not stupid. Those things are impossible to predict. You can't promise something like that; those things are beyond anyone's control.

All I said was "promise you'll never cheat on me."

And you promised.

And you broke that promise.

Your selfishness amazes me. You waited until now to tell me, weeks after you ended us, now that I was finally doing better, starting to feel good about life in general. You waited until now and robbed me of that happiness all over again.

I'll live. I'll bounce back. It's what I do.

But I will never love you again. I will never trust you again. I will never look at you the same again. Our friendship, which I was so happy that we had been able to hold onto, it doesn't exist anymore.

I can't trust you anymore. And I can't be friends with someone I can't trust.

You had one night of passion. You undid months of our growing together.

So tell me, was it worth it?


-fin-

It's a dangerous dance, running gingerly up to that line which is not meant to be crossed, touching your toe on the other side, flirting with the limits--and not only the limits--before turning and running away from the line.

This game is a cycle, playing by the rules for some time, then briefly testing those rules for no better reason than the sure adrenaline rush, the feeling of total empowerment, knowing that you are taking a very bold step forward and you are the only one who knows if you will stop at the line or continue beyond the limits.

But you adhere to the rules; you maintain that boundary. Because once that line has been crossed there will be no more game, there will be no more flirting with the limits--or anything else.

All that will be left once that line is crossed are the repercussions, and from here you don't know if they will be positive or negative.

Is it worth the risk to cross the line and find out?


always.....

My livingroom.

Yeah, so, perhaps I spend too much time in my living room these days. If I'm not playing the latest Zelda flick, I'm watching Reign of Fire*. If I'm not watching Reign of Fire, I'm watching COPS in HD. If I'm not watching COPS, well, then, I must be passed out / up to get myself some yogurt / urinating / at work.

* I watch this movie with the scenes shuffled to make it that much more 'awesome.'

But, aside from being totally engrossed with Zelda or Wii Sports: Bowling, the 'mii' creator is pretty fun.

It is me, bitches.

Not much new, really. I've been pretty busy at work and already slipped on my 'update once a week' thing. I'm only a few days late, right? Speaking of work, I was 'on-call' and got my ass woken up at 1am by an international call from European HQ to deal with some serious 'big-ticket' issues. Stress.

My handiwork

I don't usually trump bands up too much, but goddamn if I'm not addicted to the recent Sufjan Stevens album, The Avalanche. I've been a casual fan for awhile, but for some reason, I really enjoy this album at the moment. Also, go listen to some old-school Mogwai. And P.Y.T. by Michael. Shit yes.

Corey's amazingly lifelike rendering

But yes, work. Hectic, quick-paced and taxing at times. After coding and doing fun techy stuff for most of the day, however, I don't really feel like coming home and doing the same. Thusly, I've been slipping on some of my annual 'redesign the blog' or 'redesign my gallery' -- yarg.

Meet my girlfriend, bitches.

But yes, things are all wonderful on the girl front. I'm pretty silly (see also: HYPHY) about this girl. She's pretty much spectacular. Lucky boy, says I.

Leonard uses the Wii to contact young children and lure them into his gingerbread* house. *Gingerbread == Rohypnol.

I've also been working on album art for a friend's band, Macadam, which is crazy. I'm not even close to being done, but here's a peek:

So, yeah, not much new. MTC2.0 is coming along, albeit slowly. I'm trying really hard not to get burned out on coding. Anyway, that's what I'm off to do now: write code.

I love you all!

So, I managed to find a few minutes to update, just within my 'once-a-week-resolution' timeline. I rule.

Not much is new. Not much at all. My workweek thus far consisted of a busy-as-all-get-out monday followed by two days of 8-to-5 events. Once every few months, the shoe giant puts on a huge two-day event where all employees hired in a certain time range get to go and 'drink the kool aid,' so to speak.

So, for most of the day, I listened to a lot of people talk about stuff like innovation, branding, marketing, diversity and so on. It was fun and the food was free, but I couldn't help thinking about all the work that I was leaving unfinished.

We wrapped the day up with free beer, which can't be beat. I love this employer, if only for that. But, with the free beer came an awkward social event:

Two circles with the same number of people were created, one inside the other. The inner circle rotated every 60 seconds by one person. This gave the person on the outside and the person on the inside 60 seconds to talk about something. Now, keep in mind that we're total strangers. Being an RA, I've done this type of shit before, and it was always easy because I just didn't give a shit. Now, I give a shit. I want to make a good impression. I want people to be like 'Oh yeah, I remember him. He was cool like a mufuka'."

Beyond that, I've been coding for MTC v2.0 a lot and playing way too much Wii. I think I'm nearly done with Zelda. Shit!

I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm learning as I grow that I don't necessarily like the things I have to learn, but I'm hoping that later in life I'll be able to appreciate these lessons for what they bring me in the future.

I'm learning that it's important to express to people how you feel about them. If you love someone, that's wonderful, and it's wonderful to tell them that, but show them. Show them every way possible. Otherwise it may never be more than just words to them, and when you run into something real, something hard, something major, they'll need a lot more than just words to fall back on. They're going to have to see that you mean everything you've ever said, and then some.

I'm learning that sometimes you have to accept that what's done is done. If you fucked up, that sucks, and it's too bad you can't call for a re-do. But if you fucked up, the only thing to do is appologize, try to right the wrong, and pray like hell the affected party will see just how heartfelt your appology is.

I'm learning that if you feel really strongly about something, you have to fight for it. Because if you haven't got anything you're willing to go all-out, balls-to-the-walls for, what have you really got?

I'm learning that at times I am painfully selfish and self-rightous. I may not see it in myself at the moment, but then I look back and become fully aware of it's presence in my character. I need to make a more conscious effort to eliminate that part of me.

I'm learning that I need to be willing to flex. I am a planner; I love seeing what is going to happen, trying to control the who/what/where/when/whathaveyou, but at the end of the day, it's nothing more than luck if it all falls into place.

I'm learning that I need to be open, honest, sincere, and forthright with those people who I interact with closely in my life. No guessing games, no assuming they'll figure it out, no assuming I'll figure out what's going on in their heads... To be open and up-front from the get-go.

It's now 2007. If I could go back to 2006 with these lessons in mind, I wonder how the new year may have started differently.

So early in the new year, and so many lessons being learned already. I'm almost afraid to find out how much else I'll be learning this year.


always.....

BUT WHERE DID THE HUMAN JAW COME FROM? (from the Portland Zoo)

My resolutions for 2007:

1 -- exercise more
2 -- learn how to cook (better)
3 -- get a couch
4 -- write more
5 -- update this fucking page at least once a week

My reasons for these resolutions:

1 -- I don't want the stereotypical programmer body type. To quote the great Sledg: "I like to look good when I fuck"
2 -- I don't consider myself unskilled in the kitchen, but I'd like to get better, if only to impress my lady.
3 -- I have a big fucking TV but no couch. weak.
4 -- My writing skills are already starting to go to pot. fuck.
5 -- Believe it or not, this is a really pivotal stage in my life (I think). I'd like to document it a bit better. For posterity. And fame.

Resolutions I decided not to follow through on:

1 -- Drink to excess, every night.
2 -- Masturbate more.
3 -- Make passionate love to a stripper.
4 -- Don't drink any water.
5 -- Give up soap.

Beyond my resolutions, life has been pretty wonderful. I'm beginning to fill up the closets and cupboards with pretty dishes and other things to help with my day-to-day life. A coffee maker. A microwave. A vacuum. And so on. It's an expensive process, but it's nice to own nice things. I'm just now beginning to break out of the poor-college-kid mentality of 'I could get X packages of ramen and Y boxes of mac and cheese for what this would cost.'

Christmas was totally fucking grand. Being on a Monday, I already had a nice three-day weekend, but I opted to pad it out with some paid-time-off. I had just under a week of time to squander and boy did I waste the shit out of it. I took a lot of cat-naps with my sweatheart in the warmth of my parent's house. Glorious.

I gave some really good gifts and got some really wonderful gifts as well. My girly managed to get me a Wii, which blew my mind. She camped out all night at the local Wal Mart to get one. She must really like me. The only problem being that I didn't have a TV, so I spent a chunk of my hard-earned savings on a TV much bigger and nicer than I really need. Status symbol, yo.

But, on the topic of the Wii, I have to say, it's pretty much the best thing I've ever laid my hands on (except for my girlfriend's supple skin or the arc of the covenant). I was always a bit skeptical on how it would work, but it's amazing. I'm so fucking addicted to the new Zelda game that it's not even funny. I feel like I'm 12 again. Thank you Nintendo. You have rejuvenated my views on how much fun videogames can be. Also, Wii sports is amazing, more specifically bowling and tennis.

I came back to work last Thursday, worked two days and then had another wonderful three day weekend which ended on New Year's day. New Year's eve was pretty uneventful. The girl had to work a strange schedule and wasn't able to come, so I had to find alternate plans. I ended up hanging out with some dear friends from the way back (see also: freshman dorms). Both wonderful girls, I hung out with them and their strange friends. We went and watched some amazing Karaoke. I didn't drink that much, but it was still fun.

We prefunc'd at my friend's friend's apartment in the Pearl District. I've always heard stories about the amazing apartments there, but what I saw, I was not impressed. This girl pays ~$800 for a tiny apartment. And I mean tiny. My livingroom is bigger than her whole apartment.

Work is going swell. I'm starting to blend in a little more. Not so much the 'new guy' anymore. I'm pulling my weight and learning a lot, but sometimes it's really boring. Except today, today was chaos. Apparently, everyone and their mother got an iPod and the Nike+ kit for Christmas and started working off their gut today. Our servers couldn't handle the influx of people. I expect that traffic to drastically decrease within the next week or so. Lazy assholes.

So, expect to hear more from me. I'm really going to work on keeping this resolution.

I love you all.